Funny You Are My to My Quotes
Y'all know how the saying goes: Laughter is the all-time medicine. And there'due south and then much truth to that old adage. If y'all're having a bad day, or if someone you love needs a little cheering upwards, humor tin assistance ease the tension and create a little pocket of joy amid life's stresses.
This drove of funny quotes provides an array of ways to trigger that grin and turn effectually someone's lousy mood. (Even if that someone is you!) We've got funny quotes nigh love, wedlock, aging, parenting, and and so many more than relatable topics. Grab your favorites for greeting cards, social media captions, or fifty-fifty but to impress and hang in a higher place your desk to serve as a lilliputian reminder that life's non that serious — and we're all much better off laughing so we don't cry!
These funny quotes come from famous comedians like Betty White, Joan Rivers, Lucille Brawl, and Phyllis Diller. You'll also find express mirth-out-loud quotes from your favorite timeless sitcoms like The Office, and funny-but-oh-then-wise movies like Steel Magnolias. So enjoy our list and bookmark it to come back to anytime y'all need a laugh.
Looking for more inspiration? Check out these poignant quotes for women and inspirational quotes about life.
Funny Quotes Most Life
1. "Life is brusque. Bulldoze fast and leave a sexy corpse. That'south one of my mottos."
—Stanley Hudson, The Part
2. "In that location is no sunrise so cute that information technology is worth waking me upwards to see it."
―Mindy Kaling
3. "I always cook with vino. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
—W.C. Fields
4. "People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you take enough money, you can take a fundamental made."
—Joan Rivers
5. "Do non take life too seriously. You will never exit of it alive."
—Elbert Hubbard
half-dozen. "I mostly avert temptation unless I can't resist it."
―Mae West
7. "Sometimes you prevarication in bed at night and you don't have a single matter to worry most. That always worries me!"
—Charlie Brown
8. "The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is truthful."
—James Branch Cabell
ix. "I'm killing time while I await for life to shower me with meaning and happiness."
―Bill Watterson
10. "You but live once, but if you lot do information technology right, once is enough."
―Mae West
xi. "If at first you don't succeed, endeavor, try once more. And so quit. No employ being a damn fool about it."
―W.C. Fields
12. "I dear flesh... information technology's people I can't stand!!"
― Charles M. Schulz
xiii. "I call up God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his power."
―Oscar Wilde
fourteen. "Would I rather be feared or loved? Like shooting fish in a barrel. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they beloved me."
—Michael Scott, The Role
xv. "Two things are infinite: the universe and homo stupidity. And I'1000 not sure nigh the universe."
―Albert Einstein
16. "When life gives you lemons, eject someone in the eye."
―Cathy Guisewite
17. "Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It'due south the transition that's troublesome."
―Isaac Asimov
18. "When I was growing up I e'er wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."
—Lily Tomlin
nineteen. "I have a lot of growing up to exercise. I realized that the other day inside my fort."
—Zach Galifianakis
20. "I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted."
—Kevin Malone, The Part
21. "Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot practise that?' And if they would, I practise not do that thing."
—Dwight Schrute, The Role
22. "Never put off till tomorrow what y'all tin can practice the day after tomorrow just as well."
—Mark Twain
23. "I'thousand not crazy — I've simply been in a very bad mood for 40 years."
—Ouiser Boudreaux, Steel Magnolias
Funny Quotes for Friends
24. "Well, you know what they say: If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come up sit by me."
—Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias
25. "A woman is like a tea pocketbook: You lot can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water."
—Eleanor Roosevelt
26. "Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you desire is someone who will take the bus with yous when the limo breaks down."
—Oprah Winfrey
27. "Whatsoever women do they must practice twice likewise as men to be thought half as skilful. Luckily, this is not hard."
—Charlotte Whitton
28. "I beverage to make other people more interesting."
—Ernest Hemingway
29. "Wine is constant proof that God loves the states and loves to encounter u.s.a. happy."
—Benjamin Franklin
30. "When you're in jail, a adept friend volition be trying to bail yous out. A all-time friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'"
―Groucho Marx
31. "I'g not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'chiliad non dumb. And I likewise know that I'g not blonde."
—Dolly Parton
32. "I similar my money where I can see information technology: hanging in my cupboard."
—Carrie Bradshaw, Sex activity and the Metropolis
33. "Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping."
—Blanche Devereaux, The Golden Girls
34. "The statistics on sanity are that i out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your 3 best friends. If they're OK, and then it'southward you." —Rita Mae Chocolate-brown
35. "My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me."
—Garry Shandling
36. "People waste material their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half total. Me, I just beverage whatever's in the glass."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
37. "I don't care what they say most me. I just want to eat."
—Pam Beesly, The Office
38. "Don't waste then much time thinking about how much you lot weigh. There is no more than mind-numbing, boring, idiotic, cocky-subversive diversion from the fun of living."
—Meryl Streep
39. "Fifty-fifty I don't wake up looking similar Cindy Crawford."
—Cindy Crawford
xl. "I don't trust anyone who does their own hair. I don't call back information technology's natural."
—Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias
Funny Quotes Most Crumbling
41. "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and prevarication well-nigh your age."
—Lucille Ball
42. "Dearest, time marches on and somewhen y'all realize information technology is marchin' beyond your face."
—Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias
43. "Y'all know y'all've reached middle age when you lot're cautioned to deadening down by your md, instead of by the police."
—Joan Rivers
44. "People say, 'How you lot stay looking and so young?' I say, well, expert lighting, good doctors, and good makeup."
—Dolly Parton
45. "Await, y'all didn't ask me for my opinion, but I'm one-time, and then I'm giving it anyway."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Aureate Girls
46. "No matter how bad things go, retrieve these sage words: You're old, you sag, get over it."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
47. "You know you're getting old when you lot stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else y'all could do while y'all're downwardly there." —George Burns
48. "Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese."
—Luis Buñuel
49. "As yous get older, three things happen. The get-go is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other ii."
—Sir Norman Wisdom
Funny Quotes About Union
fifty. "Before y'all ally a person, you should outset make them utilise a computer with ho-hum Internet service to see who they really are."
—Will Ferrell
51. "Women ally men hoping they volition alter. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed."
—Albert Einstein
52. "I love you no matter what you exercise, but practise you lot take to do so much of it?"
—Jean Illsley Clarke
53. "Beloved is blind but spousal relationship is a real eye-opener."
—Pauline Thomason
54. "Never get to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
―Phyllis Diller
55. "The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone."
—Dolly Parton
56. "The best way to become about husbands to practise something is to suggest that peradventure they're too old to do it."
—Shirley MacLaine
57. "Every bit a human being in a relationship, you lot have a simple choice. Yous tin either be right, or you can be happy."
—Ralphie May
58. "Behind every groovy man is a adult female rolling her eyes."
—Jim Carrey
Short Funny Quotes
59. "The only thing worse than beingness talked about is non being talked about."
—Oscar Wilde
threescore. "The older yous get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana."
—Betty White
61. "If you tin can't be kind, at least be vague."
—Judith Martin
62. "Anybody who tells you money tin can't purchase happiness never had any."
—Samuel L. Jackson
63. "Reality continues to ruin my life."
―Bill Watterson
64. "Don't be so apprehensive — yous are not that keen."
―Golda Meir
65. "Never miss a practiced chance to shut up."
―Will Rogers
66. "I've had not bad success beingness a total idiot. "
―Jerry Lewis
67. "Practise things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system."
―Ellen DeGeneres
68. "Go to sky for the climate, hell for the company."
—Mark Twain
69. "Instant gratification takes too long."
—Carrie Fisher
70. "Don't go around saying the earth owes you lot a living. The globe owes you cypher. It was here showtime."
—Mark Twain
71. "My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best."
―Winston S. Churchill
72. "All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening."
—Alexander Woollcott
73. "Whoever established the loftier route and how high it should be should be fired."
—Sandra Bullock
Clever Quotes and Sayings
74. "Be wise, because the globe needs wisdom. If you lot cannot be wise, pretend to exist someone who is wise, and then just conduct similar they would."
—Neil Gaiman
75. "Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else'south path unless you lot're in the wood and you're lost and you lot encounter a path then by all means y'all should follow that."
—Ellen DeGeneres
76. "People who recollect they know everything are a bully annoyance to those of us who practise."
—Isaac Asimov
77. "A pessimist is a homo who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it."
―George Bernard Shaw
78. "Money tin't buy you happiness, but it tin can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up correct alongside it."
—David Lee Roth
79. "The lord gave the states ii ends: One to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which i we use the almost."
—Ann Landers
Funny Quotes About Parenting
fourscore. "When my kids become wild and unruly, I apply a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."
—Erma Bombeck
81. "I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."
—Phyllis Diller
82. "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is similar shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."
—Phyllis Diller
83. "It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do information technology."
—Dorothy Zbornak, The Gilt Girls
84. "Adults are always asking children what they want to exist when they grow upwardly because they're looking for ideas."
—Paula Poundstone
85. "If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough fourth dimension with them."
—Reese Witherspoon
86. "In that location is no such thing as fun for the whole family." —Jerry Seinfeld
87. "Everybody wants to save the earth. No one wants to help mom do the dishes."
—P.J. O'Rourke
Funny Quotes About Work
88. "Everything I accept I owe to this job... this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing task."
—Jim Halpert, The Office
89. "An office is a place to alive life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true."
—Michael Scott, The Office
90. "So this is my life — until I win the lottery."
—Jim Halpert, The Function
91. "The all-time way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without 1."
—Oscar Wilde
92. "Housework can't kill you, merely why accept the chance?"
—Phyllis Diller
93. "I hate housework. You make the beds, y'all wash the dishes and six months later you take to commencement all over over again."
—Joan Rivers
94. "I like work. Information technology fascinates me. I tin sit down and look at it for hours."
―Jerome K. Jerome
95. "I always arrive late at the role, but I make upwardly for it by leaving early."
―Charles Lamb
96. "Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door."
—Marcelene Cox
97. "The only thing that ever sat its fashion to success was a hen."
—Sarah Brown
98. "You can't have a 1000000-dollar dream with a minimum-wage worth ethic."
—Zig Ziglar
99. "All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence — then success is sure."
—Marking Twain
100. "Fifty-fifty if you are on the right runway, you will get run over if yous just sit at that place."
—Will Rogers
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